Parallel Parking Golf

Parallel parking - one of those moments in life where you get to feel superior to a complete stranger for not doing something perfectly right the first time. But is this really fair? Honestly, how would you do in that situation? Now there is a way to quantify how you would do! Parallel parking golf.

It is simple – establish a par for the spot and the number of gear changes indicates the score for the hole. The initial gear change counts.

You might be wondering how to establish par. This takes a bit of eye judging. After you get into the space, eyeball how much distance is between each bumper. Guys should already be good at this. Girls, you might find out 8 inches is not really what you have been told. (FYI, American currency is 6 inches long)

If the space is under 1 foot total, you just maneuvered a par 5. Between 1 and 3 feet, par 4. Between 3 and 5 feet, par 3. Between 5 and 7 feet, par 2. Anything over 7 feet, turn your car keys in if you cant do that in 1.

Total feet____________Par
<1_________________5
1-3_________________4
3-5_________________3
5-7_________________2
>7_________________kill yourself

Here’s an example:


Johnny Driver gets out and admires his work. It took him 3 shifts to get into this spot. He figures it is about a foot between each bumper and the car next to it. That’s 2 feet total. He looks at the chart… BIRDIE.

That’s not it though. Like golf, there are things you can do to hurt your score. These lower the par:

Touching a car: -1
Touching a curb: -1
Tires up on curb: -2
More than 6 inches from curb: -2

Unlike golf, certain factors can improve your score. These raise the par:

Person in car: +1
You are drunk: +1
3 or more passengers in car: +2
Group of at least 3 watching you park: +2
Parking while holding up traffic: +2

That’s basically it. You can keep a scorecard in the car or just use this system to completely baffle a stranger when he hears EAGLE!!!! yelled at him by a group of drunks from a front porch.

Park em straight.

Whole Foods Insider Trading?

A company's customer base is primarily liberal progressives. What is the worst thing this company can do right now? That's right, the CEO of this company can go all wildwestfreemarkethealthcareisnotaright on us.

Now the CEO of a megamillion dollar company is not dumb, right? Surely John Mackey would know that this op-ed would stir some controversy. Assuming he is familiar with the stock market, he would probably foresee some drop in stock price depending on the backlash.

Hmmmmmm.

When insiders of a company trade their own shares, they have to report this trading to the SEC. I wonder if Mr. Mackey sold any of his shares before submitting the op-ed to the Washington Post?

This site shows he sold 50,000 shares at $27.851 on August 6, 2009 for $1.4 million.

I can't wait for the internet to come up with a screeching tire sound on demand.

So the op-ed is published on August 11. I am guessing he turned it in at least a day before for print. That means he had to have it done by August 10. Anyone buying that he sells all of these shares without any knowledge that he will be publishing an op-ed that will likely enrage the public 2 days later?